Zechariah 3: Out with the old, in with the new.

A good gauge of where you are at in your relationship with the Lord is to measure the influence of everything else. In any given situation, there are two forces at work. The Lord and the enemy. Ideally, as believers we want to be under the Lord’s complete influence. But inevitably we occasionally find ourselves slipping into the familiar patterns of our flesh— especially in negative situations. Think about how you react when you’re ready to dive in to a new day and you encounter something unexpected. Maybe you are late to work, and traffic is slower than ever. Or maybe you just got your little one dressed and on your way out the door you realize their diaper is leaking out the side, and now down your arm. We all know how quickly these seemingly small events can lead to the destruction of an entire day. But I want you to take it even further— I think by allowing our circumstances to be the primary influence on us, moment by moment, day by day, we are making a decision to give ourselves over to the jurisdiction of the world, instead of putting the things of this world under the authority of the Lord. This can lead to an entire lifetime of putting God second, and subsequently never fully recognizing his power in our lives. I want to challenge you to start a new habit. A habit of holding every experience, thought, and reaction accountable to the Lord. Everyone reacts poorly once in a while. And most people have probably thought on the worst days that the pain will never end. I don’t think the measure is necessarily in a person’s reaction, but in their reaction time. How quickly did you notice that the enemy was at work in your thoughts? How fast did you recognize the spirit of discouragement was not placed there by God? And how long did it take for you to be able to say to the accuser in Jesus name, “Get out, stay away from me. You are the father of lies.”

The couple of examples I gave above may sound insignificant. And they are small compared to a lot of the struggles we face in this life. But I believe that holding even these minute difficulties accountable to the Lord changes everything because it changes our perspective. In Jesus name, we have power over our circumstances, thoughts, and actions. We just need to better our reaction time, making it second nature to look at our thoughts as influencers— the Lord or the enemy.

In Zechariah chapter 3, we continue with the vision of the Lord to Zechariah. Satan, called the accuser, is standing before the Lord making accusations against the high priest, Jeshua. After Satan’s allegations, the Lord responds in verse 2, “I, the Lord, reject your accusations, Satan. Yes, the Lord who has chosen Jerusalem, rebukes you.” I want you to stop here and read the verse to your self again but replace Jerusalem with your own name. The Lord has chosen you. And because of this he intercedes on your behalf so that you are not left in your sin. The enemy’s charges have been thrown out and he has no jurisdiction in your life.

In verse 4, the angel instructs Jeshua to physically change his clothes. The changing of his clothes represents the cleansing of his spirit. He is no longer dirty, reeking of sin— but he has been made clean, and is ready to step into the fullness of his new life. This part of the vision points to the coming Messiah and how he will clothe us in salvation by offering his own life for our iniquities.

When we look at the power given to us, through Christ’s death and resurrection, it is clear that the freedom and power in which we have been called is possible— when we fully trust in the Lord. Paul’s prayer for the Ephesians is my prayer for you and for me. That we would have eyes open to the power available to us and learn to walk in the fullness of our salvation.

Ephesians 1:18-21 “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.”

When we strip off our old selves, and clothe ourselves fully in the Lord, putting every part of ourselves under his will, we are given supernatural authority. My challenge for you is this, next time you begin to allow negative thoughts to resonate in your mind— work quickly to hold them accountable. Once you recognize their origin, cast them out, and fill up with the truth. Make Jesus Lord of all parts of your life, including your thoughts. Lean in to him and learn how to walk in complete freedom.

Reflection:

What ways does the enemy influence your thoughts? Do you recognize negative thoughts and feelings as weapons of the enemy?

Write down the characteristics of your old self. And then write the characteristics of life as a son or daughter of the king. (Chosen, redeemed, created for purpose) Speak out loud to the Lord as you take off the old and put on the new. This will help to send the message to your body and also be a tool to help recognize any thought that comes in.

Birth pains.

God is birthing a new season in my life. I didn’t realize, at first, this meant I would have to experience actual labor pains. I have 3 kids— all natural births. So I should have known better than to think I could experience new life without feeling any pain. Even though I know that the beauty of this coming season will make me almost completely forget the pains of labor, in these more difficult moments, the emotion can overwhelm me. Which is why I need to remember the birth story. The moments that are so hard, I am left to trust God to provide the minutes of strength needed for each hour. And It’s here that I feel like I can literally hear God speaking directly to me. In the short breaks between contractions, as I meditate on his word and draw closer to him, I feel like I can see God and his provision for my life so clearly. And it’s these times of clarity that I will be able to pull from memory the next time Spring comes along. And that first birth pain reminds me that God is creating something new again. I will remember new life doesn’t come easily, it’s hard work. And it tends to take a mix of blood, sweat, and tears to fully prepare for the final push, and inhale that first sweet breath.

More than conquerors.

I recently relapsed in my fight with anxiety. I became so afraid that I began to let how I was feeling about an incident consume my every thought. I found myself planning how I could run away to safety, along with my family, and never face this scary situation ever again. I wanted to personally guarantee that my family would be safe— no matter how much joy, fun, or freedom I would need to sacrifice. As a parent, the hardest thing I have ever done is to release my fear of something bad happening to my children. When faced with a potential threat (or the idea of), everything in me says that I— as long as I worry enough, am proactive enough, and overthink enough— I can in fact guarantee my children’s safety. It all depends on me and only in my care will they find complete protection. But this time around, knowing what I know of God’s promises and his protection displayed already in my life, I was challenged by how I responded to my fear. Fear didn’t have the complete control that it had in the past. Because of how God has shown up in my life, I recognized his presence in this moment. Even though I was afraid. This feeling delicately urged me to choose a different route this time, to trust in God, fully. And to believe that he really is good, he really is faithful, and he really is all of the things I am always saying are true about him. It was time for me to physically step out in faith, and release control. In what seemed in the moment to mirror the story of Abraham giving up Isaac, I felt like I had to trust God with my children. And because of how he showed up for Abraham, I could know that God would also show up for me.

God always planned to provide the sacrifice, he just wants us to bring the faith.

So yes, God allowed me to stumble. But I wasn’t alone. I could feel his constant presence in the background of my fret. I felt the reality of the fear, and struggled with the very real temptation to run and hide. But this time I remembered what was at stake. A generational tendency of fear, worry, and anxiety. A sin that I vowed not to pass on. A temptation of the enemy that I have chosen to call out— and put an end to right here, right now. Anxiety, you will not be passed on to my kids. Fear, you will not steal my joy. Worry, you will not keep me up all night. I will show my children an example of a woman and a mother who is not consumed and controlled by fear or circumstance. A mom who does not back down in the face of the enemy— who does not sacrifice her present peace for a facade of security. At the height of the tension, when I had to choose to stay and face the fear or to run away and hide. I chose to be stronger. I chose to fight. I did something the old me would not have been able to do. But I did it. And I know that my kids saw me. And more importantly than what they saw is the lesson I taught them of what is happening that we cannot see— the real yet unseen battle that is happening all around us. And the strength we have as believers whose hope is in the Lord. Did you know there are warrior angels surrounding us, being commanded by God on our behalf? (Psalm 91:11) And if we believe as though it has happened, do you know we can ask for anything and it will be done? (Mark 11:24) And when we are disheartened by the darkness in this world, do you know that we can always find joy in the shelter of his wings? (Psalm 63:7) Do you really know all of this to be true? I do. And by knowing this, I am more than a conquerer.

“Yet even in the midst of all these things, we triumph over them all, for God has made us to be more than conquerors, and his demonstrated love is our glorious victory over everything!” Romans 8:37 (Passion Translation)

*My mom has always been my greatest encourager. She pointed me to Psalm 91 as I laid awake at night in contemplation. I wanted to include that reference here for anyone that struggles with fear and anxious thoughts. These words brought me strength and peace in the midst of the storm.

Waiting on purpose.

As I begin writing today I am sitting in a messy house, at a messy table, staring at my little guy, and you guessed it— he’s making another mess. Everything kind of feels a little messy right now. A few weeks into following my “calling” to write more and it already feels like too much for this time. But it’s also something I love and feel called to prioritize. Most importantly though, deep down I know this is all a part of God’s plan. And right now I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be— sitting here in my kitchen, with my littles, in the middle of a beautiful mess. I know God is pruning me here. Pruning me for his purpose. Shaping me into who he needs me to be in the coming season.

So today, despite the mess, I’m choosing to put one foot in front of the other in the direction of my dreams. And because it’s a place of tension for me right now, I want to focus on the waiting. That time in between getting a glimpse of God’s plan and actually making it happen. How do I use that time to wait– on purpose?

There are so many Biblical examples of waiting. It seems to be what God leads people to right after announcing something really big in their life. Abraham, Joseph, and David are the three names that come first to my mind when I think about waiting in the Bible. Abraham is kind of the guy that stands out the most to me. I don’t know if it’s because he was so old or because God’s promise to him was SO big. When Abraham was already an old man, God promised him that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky. When God first shared this promise with him, Abraham had believed that he would be forced to leave his entire inheritance to one of his servants because he didn’t have a son of his own. While Abraham waited on God’s promised child he struggled to see how it could all really be possible. So instead of waiting on God, Abraham tried to make God’s plan happen on his own terms. He slept with his wife’s servant, Hagar. And he messed up big time. But the part that I love most about his story is that, even though Abraham messes up, taking control of his own destiny instead of trusting God with his life, God still holds up his end of the deal. God’s promise is fulfilled.

Joseph’s story is a little different. He is only a teenager when he has a series of dreams that begin his journey of promise. Joseph shares these dreams with his family and as a result his own brothers sell him into slavery. Wow. So he gets real about what God is doing in his life and those that are supposed to encourage him literally throw him into a pit and eventually sell him to some Midianite traders. Joseph had to wait a long time for God’s dream to be fulfilled in his life. But as he waited, God was with him and made him successful in everything that he did. Even when Joseph was sent to prison. Genesis 39:21-23 says this, “But the Lord was with Joseph in the prison and showed him his faithful love. And the Lord made Joseph a favorite with the prison warden. Before long, the warden put Joseph in charge of all the other prisoners and over everything that happened in the prison. The warden had no more worries, because Joseph took care of everything. The Lord was with him and caused everything he did to succeed.” Even at his lowest, God was with him— taking care of him, and personally shaping him into the man he needed him to be for the great work ahead. I think one of the reasons Joseph had so much success, even at is lowest points, is because he was a man that proved himself trustworthy with God’s promise, trustworthy in the waiting. Despite the temptation of Potiphar’s wife and the misery of his circumstances Joseph chose to do what was right and pressed on toward the dream God had written on his heart.

The last man I want to talk about is David. David is one of my all time favorite Bible characters. He was anointed to be the next King of Israel when he was a young boy, shepherding his father’s sheep. He had to wait for God’s perfect timing to be able to step into the ultimate calling that God had for his life, to be the next king. It can be so hard to know when exactly God’s timing is right in our own promises, in our own lives. I’ve heard that when you are following after God with your whole heart, like David did, you can trust your feelings on this. But as we learn from David, there’s even a little more to it. The exact moment David knew God’s timing had come is recorded in 1 Chronicles 14:1-2 where it says, “Then King Hiram of Tyre sent messengers to David, along with cedar timber, and stonemasons and carpenters to build him a palace. And David realized that the Lord had confirmed him as king over Israel and had greatly blessed his kingdom for the sake of his people Israel.” God confirmed the promise with his provision. He sent David the materials to build a palace. He didn’t ask for these things— instead God, in his timing delivered what he needed to establish himself as king, just like he had promised.

Studying these three examples helps me to see where, in my own life, I can use this time of waiting to lean in to God and to prepare myself to do his work. I sometimes think that I should wait to talk about something until I’ve come through it. But I’ve come to learn that wisdom is often learned in the now. And it is sometimes forgotten in the afterward. Wisdom is in the mess not the perfection. So if you are also waiting on something— you and I can use this time, together, to learn from each other and to learn from the many examples that God gives us in his word.

Because of Abraham’s mistakes, I can know that my own shortcomings do not disqualify me for God’s purpose. No matter how bad I mess up in the waiting period, God is in control and nothing I do is going to mess up his plan. I don’t have to worry about having it all together, or having enough instagram followers. I don’t have to tire myself out proving I’m good enough for my dreams. I simply need to walk with God, daily. At the same time, Joseph’s great faithfulness and righteous living teaches me that, despite my circumstances, I need to honor God with my life. Even in the hard things. God is always with me and is working things out for me. And last, God reminds me that with his promise comes his provision. I don’t have to worry about the details because God has it all under control and he will bring it together at his time and with his hands. Ultimately, what these three examples have in common is this— Each of these men were careful to remain close to God, even as they waited. And God fulfilled each promise just as he intended, exactly when he meant for it to happen. I think knowing this is so important. It is all in God’s timing— all we can do is hold fast to his word and honor him with our lives, despite the mess. There is a reason that when you are in the word consistently, it starts to jump of the page as if it was written just for you for just that moment. Because God is with us in all of it. He is always at work in our hearts, making us ready for whatever comes next!

As I finish writing this I want to make sure I say it is not lost on me that I am incredibly blessed right here— right where I am. I was just reading a book by my favorite author and the ironic thing is she is where I would like to be as she writes about wishing for the things I already have. And that humbled me. It’s just that as I finish this short piece at the end of a hard day at work, I dream of a time when I can spend my day in a hipster coffee shop somewhere, writing for more than a couple hours every few weeks. And this is exactly why I wrote this today. Because I am selfish, I forget how blessed I am all of the time. And I have so much to learn. But as Annie F. Downs, the author I just mentioned, says, “preparation makes it possible.” My dream is being made possible right now as God works to prepare my heart. And I have to remember life is happening right here in the waiting. And my waiting? I think it just might be yesterday’s promise. I am surrounded by God’s many blessings– a loving, joy filled marriage and three amazing kids. I have a job that allows me to learn while I work and also has created in me a new confidence when dealing professionally with others. I am so thankful for all that God has done and is doing. Maybe with this, like so many times before, the lesson isn’t what I thought it was all along. In addition to what I learned writing today, I think God really wanted me to just stop. Stop and see that what I have right now, is really good.

Love & trust.

I was at a wedding a couple weeks ago— I absolutely love weddings. Soaking in the words of the message, I usually find my heart revitalized with a newlywed’s eagerness to prioritize my marriage. But this time, when the pastor asked couples what areas they could be more intentional about in their marriage, nothing came immediately to mind. My husband was in the hallway with our youngest. And instead of thinking of things we could change, I just wished he was there so we could lock eyes and smile, passing each other the silent message that we are just so happy to have each other. I remember a few years ago being at weddings and grabbing his hand, praying for better days, and hoping we would make it. We were so young when we got married— no plans or responsibilities. We just knew that we really, really liked each other and maybe it would be fun if we could hang out forever. So we got married! Looking back, I know God was in it. It could have gone so badly. But it didn’t. He had a plan.

Over the years our relationship, once carefree and idealistic, began to change. We didn’t mean for it to happen. I just don’t think either of us were strong enough, at the time, to thrive in life’s challenges. In the beginning, life together was relatively simple. But before our first anniversary I was pregnant and things started to change. I want to make sure I say first, change is not bad. These shifts can be hard— but most of the time a change in the road not only brings new sites to explore, it also leads to knowledge and growth. Becoming parents changed us in all the most wonderful ways. But it also changed our marriage in ways I didn’t recognize right away, and because of this I didn’t take the time to intentionally lean in to a new and deeper love with my husband. Up to that point I thought I knew what love should feel like, but that definition exploded in to a thousand pieces the day I met my first born. Suddenly love was a mixture of intense joyful affection and a new somewhat fearful vulnerability. It would be years before I would learn to love my husband in this same way. If love meant I had to go all in, that I could get hurt?! Then that was not for me. For my kids— of course! But I didn’t think I could risk my whole heart on a man. And so without knowing it, I was holding myself back from love’s full potential. It’s complicated of course. But at some point I decided that my husband would get part of me. And I would hold back just enough so that if anything ever went wrong I would be safe.

Fast forward almost 6 years where I found myself at a fork in the road. And I realized I had to choose a direction. I wasn’t feeling fully loved by my husband. And I wanted to be. Not just loved— but I wanted closeness, I wanted to be his best friend again. Like it used to be. I was pregnant at the time and so, without my permission, I was emotionally vulnerable. And I cried. I allowed myself to think that maybe he didn’t love me, maybe he didn’t even want to be my friend. Neither of these thoughts were true of course! But at the time I needed to think them because I needed to care. And I quickly realized I indeed cared very deeply about this. So I decided to be brave and open up to him about everything I was feeling. His response was thoughtful, loving, and kind. He was there all along. Loving me. He never stopped. And he never held my feelings against me. Suddenly, for me, it was like we hadn’t missed a beat. I don’t know if he fully understood the depth of my thoughts, but he knew that ok was not ok for me anymore. I wanted more. Although it seems so simple, opening up to my husband about my innermost thoughts and emotions laid the framework for growth in our marriage. Opening up about these things unlocked my heart to a risky, all in, almost magical love like nothing I had felt before— and it permeated through all facets of our marriage. It was like Aladdin asking Jasmine on to the magic carpet, “Do you trust me?” Obviously over simplified, but what if she wouldn’t have trusted him? Sure, they could have taken a walk in the park. But they would have missed that amazing ride! Saying yes to trust, saying yes to loving deeper has transformed our marriage. We’re on the same team now. We are one flesh. We care about the details. After having Rowan, knowing my postpartum challenges, Randy asked me to tell him every time I felt anxious. It got to the point that he could tell by looking at me if I had just had an anxious thought. He partnered with me in my hardest time and I was secure knowing he was by my side. Being open and honest about our personal struggles, relationship conflicts, and dreams— all of it has only made us stronger. By holding back, I was slowly losing touch with my best friend. And I’m so thankful for that emotional pregnant lady who set me free from my self imposed isolation.

I wish I would have known how much better this kind of love was when we first got married. My engagement ring recently broke so, until we can get it fixed, I have been wearing the wedding band alone. The band is meant to wrap around my ring so alone it looks a little odd, a curvy line of white gold. But as I look at it now, alone on my finger, it seems so perfect to describe what it actually is. The wedding band. The pomp and circumstance of the engagement isn’t there anymore, but the band as it winds up and down around my finger looks a lot like the road we’ve been on in our marriage. Each curve marks a change, a chance to dig deeper, and a time for new adventures.

He loved me first.

I’ve shared this with a few people already, but I wanted to put myself out there and share a few of the details of what God has been working on in me the last couple of weeks. The past 7 years I haven’t flown on a plane. This has been a place of tension for me because before having Violet I travelled all of the time, all over, and loved every part of it. Well, my husband’s work recently offered me an all expenses paid trip for my youngest and I to fly out and meet him in California for a few days over New Years, everything covered. But I had to decide in only a few minutes. Randy encouraged me to just say yes. Maybe it would be even easier for me if I was forced to make the quick decision, he said. So in a moment of whimsy, I told them to go ahead and buy my ticket! 

As I was thinking about sharing the exciting news of my restored valor I thought— wait, I can’t share this. What if I don’t get myself on the plane? What will it say about my faith? Saying yes to the flight was huge for me— a tangible example of God’s rescue and healing at work in my life. But it was starting to become clear that in order to experience complete healing, I had to say yes. I had to physically pick up my mat, walk and be healed. I had to get on the plane. As I was learning this I also began to recognize, throughout the process of restoration, that God loves you no matter what. But this also means He loves you too much to want to see you make a forever home in your pit. Like a good friend who speaks the truth instead of what you want to hear, God will encourage you and strengthen you as you make the tough decision to step out in faith and become the best version of yourself. The fearless, joy filled, limitless version of you that encourages others and sends the enemy running. And don’t worry if you aren’t there yet. When you don’t have the strength to climb out right away, and you end up camped in uncertainty for a few months (or years in my case), He still loves you. Even if I don’t get on the plane— don’t worry Randy I will— but even if I don’t, God still loves me just as much. His love is not contingent on what I do or how strong I am. His love isn’t based on having a picture perfect faith. It’s based on trust. A trust that carries us through life’s biggest moments and every breath in between.

After my run, as I was putting my thoughts together for this post, I took a picture. I almost didn’t add it because of how messy the background was. The girls can’t seem to keep there art cabinet organized or even the supplies put away for that matter. But this doesn’t change how much I love them. And our messes don’t change how much we are loved by our Father in heaven. He loves us no matter what. He loves us despite the mess. He loved us first. And another cool thing? God uses those around you to speak life and affirmation over you. In this case He used my husband. Before he left for his trip he pulled me aside. Without knowing what I was thinking, he repeated the same message God was telling me, “Get on the plane, we’re going to have so much fun. But if for some reason you can’t. It doesn’t bother me. I love you.”

So I am choosing to live free from anxiety and fear. Jesus already paid the price for my ticket, my new life found by trusting in Him. And I’m getting on that plane.

Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. John 5:8-9

Peace in the storm.

A friend of mine once said, it’s not always easy to talk about what you’re currently struggling with—  it’s much more comfortable to share the news after the storm. This stuck with me because I am much the same way. So here goes, here and now, 7 months postpartum, I can still see the dark storm clouds that once surrounded me. And some days it even starts to rain. This time around, my 3rd baby, I thought I was healed from my past. Because of this it took me a little while to admit the fact that God is still allowing the rain. But it’s different. Now when it rains it reminds me that he is not finished with me yet. As it is with our faith, rain is integral to sustaining life on earth. In the same way, God allows it to rain in our lives in order to give us strength. The majority of the water found on earth is salt water. This salty water cannot sustain us physically or spiritually. That’s why God created us to look up to him for the water that creates abundant life, and great faith. 

I’ve learned a lot in the last 7 months. God has been speaking to me so clearly. One of the most important truths I’ve learned is that just because we need a second touch doesn’t mean God failed or didn’t heal us like we wanted. He simply wants us to be honest about who we are and where we are at in our walk with him. We don’t need a perfect story to share how great he is. We just need honest and open faith. So today if Jesus asked me, “are you healed?” I would say no. Not completely. I still have a little bit of fear and I tend to obsess over how I am feeling. I am much better than before but the anxiety still lingers. I need a second touch, Jesus. And I’m ready to admit that because I know your love is made perfect in my weaknesses. 

In my weaknesses I have found his joy, peace, and promise. The joy of the Lord is so much fun. It’s about finding joy in what matters, not the things in this world but the people in it. I find myself living in the moment— wrestling on the floor with my kids, playing at the park, and doing flips in to my bed at night. I let my oldest daughter make a mess in the kitchen making brownies all on her own. I paint with my middle daughter instead of doing chores. And I get lost in the eyes of my baby boy, smiling and laughing for no reason at an inside joke we have between us. His goofy smile and starry eyed grin tells me he gets it and that I’m the greatest, most hilarious, and beautiful mom in the whole world. That joy! The way he looks at me! It’s all a gift from God— a part of his promise.

Peace, joy, and promise are often found together. In those moments of joy where I find myself feeling treasured, my sense of humor hilarious, those are the moments that I see myself the way Jesus sees me, the joy he has just looking at me! When I need the Lord’s peace I’m often reminded of his promise. And in his promises I find peace. I read my Bible expectantly and often and in doing this peace is not hard to find. It is constant and close by whenever I stumble in to my old self. Because of God’s word to Nehemiah I can tell the enemy, THERE IS NO TRUTH IN YOUR STORY. Because of God’s word to Joel I can know that the rains come so that I can grow. Because of God’s word to Ezra I know that you the Lord will return what was taken. And because of God’s word to Job I know that what was taken the Lord will return in abundance. These are the Lord’s promises and his promises still stand.

Be glad, people of Zion,
    rejoice in the Lord your God,
for he has given you the autumn rains
    because he is faithful.
He sends you abundant showers,
    both autumn and spring rains, as before.
The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
    the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. 

Joel 2:23-24

So here I am Lord, honest and searching. Leaning in to you for each breath. And I can’t help but feel this is where you always meant for me to be.

Climb your mountain.

Jesus wants to know that you are willing to give it all— and then when he knows he can trust you, he will give you more than you ever imagined.

22 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!” “Here I am,” he replied. 2 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” Genesis 22:1-2

I always struggled with this story. What was God trying to show him in that moment? His son’s life as a sacrifice? How could God ask him for that? It wasn’t until this year that the tension in this story finally hit home for me. God had no intention of using Isaac as the sacrifice, there was always a better plan, God’s perfect plan. By taking Abraham on the journey up Mount Moriah, through the hills and valleys, Abraham was tested and found trustworthy. Trustworthy with God’s plan for his life and his people. God provided the ram for the sacrifice and blessed Abraham for his obedience on the mountain.

17 I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, 18 and through your offspring[b] all nations on earth will be blessed,[c] because you have obeyed me.” Genesis 22:17-18

In this life we will face our own mountains. Sometimes it takes a long time to climb the mountain and even longer at the top just struggling to lay it all down. But when we are finished climbing and wrestling through these tough times, when we finally get to the other side we are stronger because our strength no longer comes from ourselves, but from Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith. We can live a life with meaning, hope, and a future. And we can turn around and share our journey and our hope with others. Everyone is on their own path, let’s show the world how Jesus can light the way.

Live in the moment, focus on Jesus, and believe your future is great.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, Ephesians 3:20

You were made for this.

“Sometimes the world seems against you 

The journey may leave a scar

But scars can heal and reveal just

Where you are

The people you love will change you

The things you have learned will guide you

And nothing on earth can silence

The quiet voice still inside you

And when that voice starts to whisper

Moana, you’ve come so far

Moana, listen

Do you know who you are?”

This song has always resonated with me—So much so I actually had it playing as I pushed out my third baby. Recently I’ve realized, for me, this song is a vessel for worship. As I examined the lyrics I began to see why it is so beautiful to me and almost seems to be written from my own soul.

Seven years ago my path changed. I was walking in one direction, thinking I knew where I was going and what I wanted and what was important in this life. And then I became a mom. And that is my favorite thing in the world. However, a few weeks after it was clear I also became one of the many moms that suffer with postpartum anxiety and depression. I remember a longing for a quick fix or an instantaneous recovery. I cried on the bathroom floor for release. Little did I know this was just the beginning of a journey that would be years in the making. Looking back today I am thankful God didn’t leave me where I was before I encountered these struggles. Looking back it’s so easy to see why God allowed my path to be changed forever. Looking back I know the way I was experiencing life at that time was shallow, all about me. I am still not finished. But the broken pieces that are being put back together in my life are so much stronger than before. I wouldn’t want to go back to the fragile form I once was. I wouldn’t choose the life without the pain.

I know it’s always easier when you’re looking back. Looking forward is hard. Looking forward is scary, as you try to find a safe path forward into the unknown. But when you trust the one who made you, lean in and really trust who you are in him, it’s a little bit easier. So, who am I?

I’m a girl who loves her savior

A child of the king

He calls me

He delivered me to where I am

I will journey farther

I am everything I’ve been through and more and still he calls me

I was made for this.

Despite everything I’ve done, God still calls me. God still has more for me. I may not always understand the why of my circumstances at the moment but I know the way maker and he is going to give me more than I ever asked for in his name. (Ephesians 3:20)

“And the call isn’t out there at all, it’s inside me

It’s like the tide; always falling and rising

I will carry you here in my heart you’ll remind me

That come what may

I know the way”

I Am Moana (Song of the Ancestors) lyrics © Walt Disney Music Company

New life: a natural birth story.

A New Beginning: God’s Promise

It was about a week before my baby was to be born. I felt God’s peace come over me and I realized in that moment a specific truth that God was speaking to me. God was giving me the gift of a new baby– A new life in the world, but also a new start for me. Since having my first child, the time after giving birth has been a time of increased anxiety. A time without the innocent joys of sweet smiling new life but a time darkened by the fears of what could go wrong. But this time it was going to be different. This time God was giving me a very special gift. He was giving me new life, joy and a new beginning.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25

New Life: A Natural Birth Story

On May 2nd, 6 days past due, my body started to show signs of labor. I called my mom and she and my sister Melanie gathered the kids and met at the park to enjoy the sunshine. Aimee joined us there. We spent the day together taking walks, eating ice cream and timing contractions– the contractions stayed pretty far apart and inconsistent. After a day of no progress I had become convinced labor was actually never going to happen and so I tried to sleep. The usual pregnancy symptoms mixed with the excitement of the day before kept me awake most of the night. Early the next morning, I began to have stronger more consistent contractions. After trying without success to sleep we decided around 8:30 am to go in to the hospital to get checked and see if any progress had been made. We arrived at triage to find out I was dilated to a 4 with contractions 4-7 minutes apart. The nurse said she thought the doctor would want to keep me. I like to labor outside, free to move and with the sun on my face. I asked to leave and said, “I just wanted to get checked. I know this is not serious labor yet. When I come back I’ll be crying.” My doctor gave the OK for me to leave. After leaving, we went to Culver’s for lunch, it was about 11:00 am. I remember exhaustion overwhelming me at this point. I had walked so much the previous day and not slept at all that night. Sitting in the front seat, suddenly I could not control my tears. Through my tears I said, “I can’t do it. I don’t have the strength.” It was like saying this out loud was all I needed to do to motivate my spirit. Suddenly, I knew I could do it. I knew I was strong enough.

After eating a little lunch, the four of us went to a local park with a path circling a lake. I was ready. I put my headphones in with my labor and delivery playlist. The list included praise and worship songs and “I am Moana” at the end– which I decided would be perfect for pushing. (Until actual pushing) My mom brought a yoga mat so I could labor on hands and knees. I did this for a while and then to get things moving along we started walking loops around the pond. Randy and I walked together, I would turn my music up now when contractions came. They were much stronger and ranging from 4-6 minutes apart. But I was still strong enough. I remember the look on the faces of other walkers as I slowly walked and breathed through my contractions. We walked and took breaks occasionally to rest. Melanie and my mom decided to run to the store to get a few things. Thinking this was fine we sent them on their way and proceeded to take another loop around the pond. After walking a few steps and having one contraction after another I stopped. I turned to Randy and said, “I think we need to go to the hospital.” We called my mom and Melanie and they rushed back with the car. We were only a few minutes from the hospital. When we parked, I again questioned whether or not it was time to go in. We decided to park a bit away from the door so I could get one more walk in. Contractions continued one on top of another as we walked. By this time I had the song “So Will I” by Hillsong United on repeat in my headphones. Contractions continued but I still knew I was strong enough. We made our way to the nurses desk at the entrance of labor and delivery. I remember saying, “I think I’m in labor. Um, I am in labor I just don’t know how far along.” And then a contraction and I burst into tears. The nurse asked me, “What baby is this?” I told her it was the third. She skipped triage and checked me in to a room. She immediately checked my progress, I was dilated to an 8. Suddenly the room filled with nurses. One was on the phone with the on call doctor. I remember her saying, “I need one of you to be here as soon as possible”. Another was getting everything prepared for baby. And yet another nurse was asking me questions, attempting to check me in, as I started to moan through even more intense contractions. My sister Aimee arrived now. And then my doctor. He walked in with shorts and a T shirt straight from cleaning his garage. He asked if he had time to put on scrubs and I remember shouting, “If you do it quickly!”

When the doctor came back I prepared to push. Someone, I think Aimee, changed the song in my headphones to “I am Moana”. But, I soon realized it would take more than that to motivate me to push this baby out. I screamed through the first two pushes because, I exclaimed, “It feels better if I scream!”. After realizing this was not helping I began to listen to the nurses advice, stop screaming, put my chin down to my chest and push like I was pooping. I had somehow forgotten pushing procedure when my 9 lb 7 oz baby boy began his entry into the world. To me at this moment, it felt more like push like you want your whole bottom half to shoot off like a rocket. At some point before the next contraction I told the doctor, “I can’t do it. It hurts so bad. What if I can’t do it?” He told me he knew I could do it but If I couldn’t he would help me. But I could do it. I was strong enough. The next push and the following I was focused. After 15 minutes of pushing my baby was born. I remember the nurse removing the monitors from my stomach and telling me to look down and see my baby. My baby boy was then plopped on my chest warm, crying, and pee flying. My first boy. And he was perfect. And I was proud. And it hurt so bad. I reminded Randy within minutes of his birth that this was the last. The doctor joked that he could head over to the ER for an emergency vasectomy. We all laughed. There is no better feeling in the world than this. Nine months of pregnancy, hours of laboring, all down to this moment of unimaginable pain to push new life in to the world. And immediately afterward everything is still. Everything is right. It is all joy.

Joy: God’s Promise Fulfilled

Rowan is a month old today. I love staring at him. Staring like I’ve never stared before. My fears have been replaced with God’s hope. And as I stare at my baby’s squinty blue eyes I can see God’s promises fulfilled. And I can laugh because I am overcome with joy.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11