A friend of mine once said, it’s not always easy to talk about what you’re currently struggling with— it’s much more comfortable to share the news after the storm. This stuck with me because I am much the same way. So here goes, here and now, 7 months postpartum, I can still see the dark storm clouds that once surrounded me. And some days it even starts to rain. This time around, my 3rd baby, I thought I was healed from my past. Because of this it took me a little while to admit the fact that God is still allowing the rain. But it’s different. Now when it rains it reminds me that he is not finished with me yet. As it is with our faith, rain is integral to sustaining life on earth. In the same way, God allows it to rain in our lives in order to give us strength. The majority of the water found on earth is salt water. This salty water cannot sustain us physically or spiritually. That’s why God created us to look up to him for the water that creates abundant life, and great faith.
I’ve learned a lot in the last 7 months. God has been speaking to me so clearly. One of the most important truths I’ve learned is that just because we need a second touch doesn’t mean God failed or didn’t heal us like we wanted. He simply wants us to be honest about who we are and where we are at in our walk with him. We don’t need a perfect story to share how great he is. We just need honest and open faith. So today if Jesus asked me, “are you healed?” I would say no. Not completely. I still have a little bit of fear and I tend to obsess over how I am feeling. I am much better than before but the anxiety still lingers. I need a second touch, Jesus. And I’m ready to admit that because I know your love is made perfect in my weaknesses.
In my weaknesses I have found his joy, peace, and promise. The joy of the Lord is so much fun. It’s about finding joy in what matters, not the things in this world but the people in it. I find myself living in the moment— wrestling on the floor with my kids, playing at the park, and doing flips in to my bed at night. I let my oldest daughter make a mess in the kitchen making brownies all on her own. I paint with my middle daughter instead of doing chores. And I get lost in the eyes of my baby boy, smiling and laughing for no reason at an inside joke we have between us. His goofy smile and starry eyed grin tells me he gets it and that I’m the greatest, most hilarious, and beautiful mom in the whole world. That joy! The way he looks at me! It’s all a gift from God— a part of his promise.
Peace, joy, and promise are often found together. In those moments of joy where I find myself feeling treasured, my sense of humor hilarious, those are the moments that I see myself the way Jesus sees me, the joy he has just looking at me! When I need the Lord’s peace I’m often reminded of his promise. And in his promises I find peace. I read my Bible expectantly and often and in doing this peace is not hard to find. It is constant and close by whenever I stumble in to my old self. Because of God’s word to Nehemiah I can tell the enemy, THERE IS NO TRUTH IN YOUR STORY. Because of God’s word to Joel I can know that the rains come so that I can grow. Because of God’s word to Ezra I know that you the Lord will return what was taken. And because of God’s word to Job I know that what was taken the Lord will return in abundance. These are the Lord’s promises and his promises still stand.
Be glad, people of Zion,
rejoice in the Lord your God,
for he has given you the autumn rains
because he is faithful.
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before.
The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.
So here I am Lord, honest and searching. Leaning in to you for each breath. And I can’t help but feel this is where you always meant for me to be.